Hey everyone, I've always wanted to write a a post about my anxiety experience but I've never written one because i've feared that it sounds attention seeking, plus its never something I've wanted to advertise to the world. I never wanted to show others I was struggling but now I can write about it. Because this post is about whats made me strong, its about whats inspired and empowered me.  I hope that once you've read this post you gain many things, first and foremost an understanding, second a realisation that everyone has a struggle, after all we are all human no one is perfect and thirdly, that a struggle can be what makes you strong. I hope you realise that whatever struggle you may be going through, no matter what that may be, if you flip that struggle in to something positive it can impact your life more then you will ever know. Lastly I hope you realise that your not alone. If something negative is existing in your life, talk to someone, it will help.

Every year around the month of August I get a little dreaded feeling, because August means September and September means a new academic year, and I'm sure many of you have this dreaded twang in your stomach to. But 4 years ago this dreaded feeling was different, it overwhelmed me to the point where I pushed all my feelings deep down to where I couldn't feel them anymore. I didn't really understand what I was feeling, it wasn't nervousness it wasn't sadness, I couldn't comprehend what it was. I just felt empty. I don't know if this is a bit strange (probably is being me) but I tend to associate parts of my life with colours and whenever I look back on that particular summer all I can see is blackness. It all seemed like a blur, I remember spending hours in bed googling what was wrong with me and taking online tests telling me what was wrong. As the first day back drove nearer and nearer my mental state got worse and worse.

On my first day back to school I remember standing in the English hallway and everything started moving in slow motion, the noises of other students passing by became muffled and the walls came closing in. The building began to spin, people's laughter became louder and louder and on repeat like a broken record. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't remember what happened next but knowing me I probably rang my mum, if I did it was the first time I'd spoken to her about it. I kept it all in because I didn't want anyone to worry, I needed to figure out what was going on in my head and what was wrong with me so I could fix it before I tell anyone. Later that day I had my first science lesson and I soon got called out by a pastoral teacher, my my mum had rung school to see if someone could speak to me. As soon as the teacher asked if I was okay I burst in to tears, I didn't know what to say because I didn't know what was wrong.  How could anyone else help if I didn't even know what was wrong?  But after telling him what happened earlier in the day he said he told me that I had been experiencing panic attacks and struggling with anxiety. I didn't understand when he first told me, I had heard people say about anxiety before but I never imagined it to be how it was.  It felt like It was never going to stop. I was also really embarrassed that school was my trigger for my attacks.
The more I found out the more the weight had been lifted off my shoulders I was finally getting support and I could work on getting better.

Now it was NOT an easy ride, It got to the point where I was having panic attacks daily at school, I'd be constantly anxious and its fair to say that it took over. But I hated the thought that others would see me as weak and I completely lost all confidence. The fact that it was the start of GCSE years added more pressure. But I was lucky to have the best support from the best teachers and family, I even went through counselling where I learnt coping mechanisms.

However, it wasn't until a teacher gave a class task of doing a speaking exam in front of the whole class that my anxiety changed me for the better. We could speak about anything our hearts desired, but my teacher told me I didn't have to do it if I didn't want. Now part of me in fact a whole lot of me wanted to do that option but I knew that was the easy option and in the end I did my speech in front of the whole class. I was so passionate about my topic about body confidence and how hating and judging each other needed to stop that I actually kinda enjoyed doing my speech.  Even though I was shaking excessively and my heart couldn't beat any faster. But I did it .  I got an A* for my speech but more importantly I tackled something. Something yes others would find daunting but something I wouldn't ever dream of doing, I couldn't even answer a question in class in front of people let alone stand and talk for 10 minutes.

From that day on I vowed to myself to say yes to every opportunity that others would find daunting too, so that the everyday  things that I myself found overwhelming would become less of a task.  I didn't ever want to feel weak, I didn't ever want anyone to take pity and now I feel more invincible then ever before. I don't take the easy way out and I do things that want to make me bolt In other direction. Sometimes I don't succeed, sometimes it does end badly and yes sometimes I do still say 'no' I'm still wary of events and if I don't want to go I don't. If I have to say the occasional no to a night out then that OKAY!

Every opportunity that I have said yes to has been the best yes's. Hell I'm an 18 year old girl who's achieved her first dream in life, attending her dream course and I'm running my own business. I've grown more then I've ever thought I could and I have my struggle with Anxiety to thank for that. Im so grateful for it. Yes I still have panic attacks, yes I still have bad days and yes I worry about the most random crap ever. But those days are becoming few and far between and I no longer let the anxiety control me.

My point of this post is that whatever you are experiencing, whatever it may be if you decide to make it In to a positive thing you can. I know its not easy, but just by taking that decision of not taking the easy way out. By taking that decision that you are not going to let Anxiety or depression or whatever it may be control you is the first step to making your life better and coping. Its going to be a constant journey but a journey that is worth that struggle because you only live life once, make it count.
I know a lot of people have it a lot worse, and I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm being naive but anxiety is a big part of my story of who I am and I could have dealt with it so differently. I chose resilience and I now know that whatever life throws at me I can handle. I've seen so many tips online about how to cope with anxiety and I think they are utter crap if I'm honest with you. Everyones struggle is so personal to you, someone else tips of how to cope may not work for the next person, everyone has different reasons to why anxiety had reared its ugly head and so there isn't a fix all cure, but what we all do have in common is a decision to let it control us or a decision to try and grab some of that control back.

With hardworking, support, a want for more, optimism and a whole lot of resilience you can do it !

lots of love
Liv x